it’s weird how someone can affect me so much whether or not he talks to me. somehow, i always feel the need to impress him. i have to have that perfect response to what he says, and when he doesn’t reply i feel like such an idiot. but then when he does reply he still ends up making me feel like an idiot. and then i’m stuck for the rest of the day wondering what i could have said differently, or thinking about how much things have changed. and that’s when the memories start flooding back.
and they don’t stop.
and for the next few days all i can think about is how i should have tried harder, or how i pushed him away. and so i talk to him, just to feel like maybe we can still be friends.
and then it turns into this deadly cycle. and i’m left feeling like i’m missing something.
